im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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