You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
