I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
