who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
