mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
