I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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