This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
