I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize