mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
