Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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