I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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