everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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