so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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