my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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