I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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