I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
