Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
