Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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