I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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