nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Who died my cat blue again?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize