I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
