im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize