I met the friendliest cop last night
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
