Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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