My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
