Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
