Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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