All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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