I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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