Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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