i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
