I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
