I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
