in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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