my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize