We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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