my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
