you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
