i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
