She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
