I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
