I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
