I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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