I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
