I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So squirting runs in the family.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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