I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
