i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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