Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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