Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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