man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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