I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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