I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
