slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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