Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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