where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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