Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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