Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize