if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
