Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
