Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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