How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
